Mom and Dad,
I'm writing this letter because I feel like I can share some thoughts that might be harder when I see you. When you’re in front of me and I talk to you, at least at the beginning, it will be hard to separate my guilt from the situation. I don’t want to let something slip through the cracks that I should share just because I can’t express it to you in a verbal way when we see each other. I know this format might be weird and it doesn’t replace talking but it’s what I need right now.
Last night I made a mistake. We both know that. I want to explain what led up to it.
Earlier that day I had a nice time with Thomas and Samantha, and Josh. Drinking wasn’t on my mind. When Sarah came over, we went to Walmart and came back and turned on a movie. We both knew we wouldn’t need to drive anywhere, I was in my home. It felt like a safe space. I was still having fun and began drinking.
I wanted to experience being tipsy so I kept going. At that point, I assumed that the amount I drank wasn’t very much. I knew what I was doing, but it didn't feel like anything was wrong.
Drinking has never been something that I felt the need to seek out. I know in the past we have talked about champagne, and I did enjoy it, but it felt like just that. I’ve never drank with my friends or been to a party. The idea of drinking in an environment I didn’t feel like I could control never appealed to me. When I drank with Thomas’s friends it felt like a one time thing and I had no plans of doing it again. That’s not to say I didn't want to do it again, but it didn’t feel like something I needed to do.
Last night I discovered that drinking for me probably isn’t a good idea. Underage drinking, although never a good decision, apparently impacts people differently. I now know how it affects me and I hate that. I hated how last night felt and there was nothing enjoyable about it once the alcohol set in.
However you decide to continue from here I will respect. I trust your judgement. I just need you to know that I’m not taking this lightly. I know I'm not the first to drink before turning 21, but I do know that it's not something I can, or maybe should, do anymore.
I don’t know what the rest of this summer will look like and I hate that I can’t control that. The way I pictured this summer going gave me a lot of hope for my future, especially the internship. I told Alice, but, up to now, I had no idea that I was holding onto the past in the way that I am. The last few months have been the best for me in years and I have genuinely been enjoying life. I didn’t see it coming.
I understand how much you trusted me and how much independence you let me have. Particularly this past year. I think it has given me room to grow myself mentally. Despite this, however you react and whatever restrictions I may have, I respect that. Not because it’s easier than fighting it but because I truly understand the situation I put myself and my siblings in last night. It’s not something to be taken lightly. My actions weren’t fair to anyone and I'm especially sorry to you two. I know being away made this harder for you and I’m sorry I betrayed your trust.
I just hope I can regain the level of trust I had one day. I promise you that I’ve never taken that for granted.
Comments