Her
Some love comes on like a spark and roars into a flame only to fizzle out just as quickly as it started. But Her love was soft, and quiet, and slow, and understanding. It was a friendship that became the most important relationship in my life.
We met the first week of our freshman year on the steps of our college’s main auditorium. We were both joining a christian sisterhood that was founded in friendship, study, and service. My highschool best friend was in a different chapter at a different university and this was a way for us to have a shared experience while at different colleges. I was excited to find my own group of friends to make memories with in college. That's where I met Her.
She was everything I was not. She was brave, confident, popular, and had been a cool athlete and cheerleader in high school. She was also straight. She had a long-term boyfriend and I respected that, of course I did. But, I wanted to be her friend like nothing else I had wanted before. I tried to make plans, hang out, go to football games— but I was also in a deep depression. It was hard to find the energy to seek out this friendship, but I wanted to. If I couldn’t be with Her, I wanted Her in my life however I could.
That summer, on a whim, I asked if she would be my roommate the following year. I thought if we lived together we would be able to grow our friendship and maybe She would want to be my friend as much as I wanted to be hers. I texted her asking about being my roommate and moments later she said yes. One small caveat: She had already asked another girl in the club. A triple room it was! I was excited for the coming year. I liked the other girl too and I thought we could all be great friends and have fun being roommates. Everything was going to plan until She got a job as an RA and could no longer live with us.
I was a little worried going into sophomore year that She may not have time for us, but the exact opposite happened. That year we grew a fun group of friends. We did everything together, the five of us. R.A.’s had fifteen days a semester they were able to spend outside of the dorm, She spent all fifteen with me. Score.
Texts and Roundabouts
Perhaps it was a coincidence, perhaps it was the world coming into alignment, but I got the text as I was passing her workplace on the way home from a family trip. She worked in a different town that we passed through to get to our cousin’s house and we just happened to be passing the restaurant as I opened the text.
Her: How did you know you like women?
Me: Hm. Just a feeling I guess. I just knew.
Her: I like women.
Election
Junior year was when everything changed. We met before the school year started at 7:00 am for breakfast at a local 24/7 dinner because we had missed each other over the summer. I was away at my internship and She worked long hours as a server. Sitting at that meal it was like no time had passed. We laughed and planned over shared pancakes and coffee.
The beginning of the semester was a frenzy of hard classes, tons of work hours, and all of our free-time spent with our friend group. Evenings and weekends were filled with cookie dough, Crystal Light in Malibu, and cheap spaghetti dinners. There was something unique about this particular year. This was the year that Donald Trump was elected to the highest office in our country.
That day was spent with a quiet anticipation that grew into a ferocious buzz that we would have our first female president. The campus was buzzing, our Blue town was ready to party and celebrate. She and I sat in front of the small TV in our living room and watched as the numbers came back. Our hope slowly faded and the alcohol started pouring more freely. We weren’t in celebration. We were in mourning. At some point we turned the TV off and She and I piled into my twin XL bed to have a cry and just sit in this new reality. To hold the turd we had all just been given. That night we barely dozed in between checking the polls, doing math to figure out if there was any way that we wouldn’t have an orange Twinkie as a president. No matter how much math and how many times we checked, the unthinkable happened. He won. That was the first time we slept in the same bed. We needed to feel the presence of someone else. We couldn’t deal with what was going on around us. I just focused on Her breathing and tried to let sleep take me.
Sleep
While election night was the first night we slept side-by-side, it did not end there. It became the norm. We slept “platonically”. Smushed into that same twin XL for the next month. During quiet evenings working on our laptops next to each other on my bed we planned what life was going to look like. My plans and Her plans started to become Our plans. It was obvious to both of us that it was not an option to go to different graduate schools. That was the only future that was absolutely off the table. We knew we would always live in the same town and made plans to move to a new city together. Maybe Colorado. At night we would look up at the glow-in-the-dark stars a previous tenant had left and make plans to pull together the collective $150 dollars in our checking accounts, get in the car, and just drive. Maybe to the Grand Canyon, maybe to Nashville, maybe to the ocean, or mountains, or anywhere that others weren’t.
We would go to parties together dressed up by each other and glued to each other's sides. Get wasted, and argue over who ate all of the tater tots before flopping into bed and making more plans of all of the places we would go and how we weren’t going to be where the other wasn’t.
At this point I began to feel guilty and dishonest. She was broken up with her long-term boyfriend, but I felt I was moving in too strong. I had this deep seated dread that somehow I was on a different page and She didn’t feel the same undeniable spark and connection that I did. I frantically texted my best friend and asked for advice. It was decided that the only way I felt I could continue my friendship with Her was to tell the truth about my feelings. I didn’t want Her to ever feel like I was taking advantage of a situation. I wanted whatever I could have from Her. Friendship, love, whatever she wanted to give I was ready to return in kind.
So, the next time She went to work (the only time we were inseparable) I texted her trying to broach the subject. To my utter surprise she picked up the cues and I admitted I wanted to be more than friends. To my utter surprise, she felt the same way and had been working up the courage to ask me the same question. That day was December 5, 2016. I ran downstairs to tell my mom and sister. I had never seen them as happy and excited as they were at that moment. It was starting to feel like the world made sense. They already knew, because of course they did.
Puppies, Puns, and the Pittsburgh Penguins
While we had this exciting new phase we were embarking on, it was decided that we should take it slow because we didn’t know how to break the news to our friends. We had plans to go to see a NHL game and decided that nothing was going to happen until after that trip. That said, of course I had a perfectly curated playlist that I tried to get my feelings across with. The three hour drive was full of electric tension. Only the music and directions made noise. The snow was insane all around us and we both knew that this was the last time before our friends would know.
Being physically close with someone without being able to touch them can be physically painful. That was the whole trip. We had a lot of fun, but all I wanted to do was tell the truth and let the chips fall where they may. We waited. When we got back from that trip I asked Her to officially be my girlfriend and she said of course. I felt like I had won the lottery.
We Will Tie Ourselves Together With a Simple Solemn Vow
We had both experienced toxic relationships and knew we did not want those any longer, but had not experienced how good a relationship could be. Through the first two years of our relationship we endured some of the most difficult times of our life to date. From blatant homophobia, to friends and family turning their heads from us. While this could have broken our bond, it strengthened it. We had each other and we knew each other better than anyone else. By the time junior year had ended, it was decided we were going to Colorado to see if it was the right fit. I had been so sure as a young person that Colorado is where I could finally be free. But it felt more like running away. It was too expensive, too crowded, and, though it was beautiful, it wasn’t going to be our home. While we were learning all of these things about one dream, we realized another.
On May 1st, 2017 we got engaged in our Colorado hotel. I was shocked. I had planned to propose on this trip but the ring didn’t arrive in time. Little did I know that She had picked the same ring I had and brought it with us. She had all of my loved ones write me beautiful letters and so we sat on the bed and read the letters crying happy tears.
It felt like the world was making more and more sense all of the time.
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